|
by Philip H. Henderson,
Ethical Magician, Oxen Teamster, and Inspirational Listener
There is a
special kind of wisdom that lives only in silence.
 Silent
wisdom is a valuable mode of communication. When I listen with
empathy I give you time to speak your mind. As my silence draws
your speech I begin to hear the depths of your meaning and you
will feel completely understood. Instead of quickly jumping in
whenever you pause or catch your breath, I wait with interest to
hear and understand what you have next to say.
I will wait
until the silence is uncomfortable to both of us and yet
continue to look at you with anticipation of your next words.
Sometimes, in this silence, as we gaze into each other’s eyes,
you notice how devoted I am to hearing you speak freely. When
you see that I am not judging you and am only seeking to know
you, you feel free and relaxed.
We are
uncomfortable in our relationships to allow silence to work its
magic. We have not learned the wisdom that only silence brings
forth. The fast pace of our lives and our desire to have
everything right now—the hasty way we evaluate the world keeps
us from knowing the deep love and gratitude that lives in our
hearts. However, you can learn to use silence as your friend.
You can change how to get the best from your relationships with
your spouse, children, parents, and coworkers. You can change
if you want to. I have devised an experiment that will
demonstrate to you the power of silence to reveal wisdom.
The next
time you are with a small group of three to five friends or
family, choose to play the role of ‘The Observer.’ Instead of
being an active conversant in the group, turn your attention to
observe how the conversation moves from speaker to speaker.
Don’t be concerned about what is said or even attempt to follow
or understand what is being discussed. Your role as ‘The
Observer’ is to count.
As ‘The
Observer,’ you are to watch who speaks first, and then notice
who is next to speak and so on. Pay particular attention to how
much time elapses between the first speaker and the next
speaker. Often you will observe that the next speaker ‘steps
on’ the first speaker. That is, before the first person has
completed his or her last sentence the next speaker begins,
effectively cutting off the first speaker. When the third
person to speak chimes in, he or she is likely to ‘step on’ the
speaker they are following.
As ‘The
Observer’ your responsibility is to count the number of times in
a five-minute conversation that there is a pause long enough for
the first speaker to continue his or her discourse. Also, count
the number of times in a ten-minute conversation that there is a
pause long enough for anyone to become the next speaker without
‘stepping on’ the last speaker. You may also notice whether you
could have entered the conversation without ‘stepping on’ a
speaker.
Conduct this
experiment with your family, with a group of friends, and with
the people you work with. As you become a keen observer you
will also become an able listener. You will see the flow of the
conversation and notice who has the greatest influence on the
direction of thought. After a short while you will begin to
enjoy being the observer. You will gain a huge advantage over
the other conversants because you will understand the point of
view of each speaker.
Sometimes
you will have a greater awareness of an individual’s point of
view than he has of himself because you are listening to him
better than he is listening to himself. When I play the role of
an observer, I often ‘playback’ to a speaker the exact words and
intonation that he spoke seconds ago.
“John, you just told me that you didn’t want to hear what your
children have to say. Is this true? Do you want to hear
what your children have to say?”
Invariably
John replies, “Yes, I want to hear
what my children have to say.”
Seconds
before, it was clear that John did not want to hear his
children. He said it so forcefully that I knew that he meant
what he said. In fact, John does not want to hear what his
children have to say. He is their father and what he says is
important and what they say to him is not—father is right,
children are wrong.
John is
unwilling to use silence to hear more from his children. He
tells them what to do, however he is unwilling to hear them
speak freely. When they disagree with him, they are
out-of-place, they are wrong. Do you want to hear your children
speak? What if your son or daughter is telling you something
about himself (or herself) that you do not want to be true? Are
you only willing to listen when your child is telling you what
you want to hear from him or her? Think about it. When was the
last time you encouraged your child to tell you more about an
event that showed your child to be doing something you did not
like?
If
you have a teenage child who has not told you about events or
thoughts that you do not like, it is only because you have
taught your child that it is a waste of their time to tell you
the truth! Our children have thoughts that we as parents
wish they did not have. Our teenage children engage in
activities that we would be embarrassed to know about.
Teenagers work hard to keep the truth away from parents.
Until you prove yourself worthy as a parent, your teenage child
will not share these truths with you. As you become more
accustomed to use Silent Wisdom you will begin to hear the truth
from your children. These are the most important moments
in the development of an enduring, trusting relationship with
your child.
Practice being an
observer and learn the Secret Wisdom of the universe. To
download a copy of Silent Wisdom please click on the item below.
|
